we meet again

Mon Feb-27th-2006 // Filed under: Spam Patrol

I’ve been dipping into my inbox again, and as is all too often the case, I’ve come up with spam. I just don’t learn, do I?

No, I don’t. And wouldn’t you know that those trigger-happy, e-mail-abusin’ fraudsters who’re trying to sell me Spermamax are apparently not willing to give up on me. No, they keep approaching me time and time again. They want my business, and they don’t mind a little begging to get it.

The last time they told me that Spermamax would drown my mother in semen, which, all things considered, strikes me as something of a mixed blessing at best, not to mention extremely unlikely.

This time, though, they’re done with this Mickey Mouse nickel and dime shit. This time, they’re going all out, bringing out the big guns. They don’t pull any punches here, though they start with a startlingly honest approach:

Subject: If you take Spermamax, women will spin around you like the planets spin around the Sun.

What, permanently well beyond a reasonable shouting distance? Well, really, that makes sense to me. “Baby, I’m on Spermamax, you wanna hear what I can do to my mother now?”

Baby, don’t go, I’m just being honest here about the fact that I’m not only insecure enough to think that the amount of sperm I discharge during an orgasm is very important, I’m also stupid enough to trust Some Guy on the Internet to sell me a product that doesn’t contain powdered anal leakage, not to mention that I’m enough of a dimbulb to think that said product will make my sperm plentiful.


Yes, I can dig this. It’s an honest beginning, at least. I approve. And they move along innocently enough, with what seems like a fairly reasonable appeal:

Don~Rt flo0d with your sperm the ne1ghbors downstairs after using our Spermamax.

Well, I think they’re right about that. It’s not very friendly or polite to the downstairs neighbors, or even ne1ghbors, for that matter, to flood them with sperm. Much as I despise these guys, I think they’re on the right track here. I’m man enough to admit that. It is kinda implied that it’s okay to unleash the flood of sperm if you’re not using Spermamax, of course, or before using it, but supposing that you’re not a virginal Spermamax user, at that point we’re getting into that “don’t feed Gizmo after midnight” area where it’s extremely unclear when the timer is reset, so to speak. I’m really not sure what to make of that.

In any case, they don’t stop there. Oh, no.

Spermamax will make your sperm as tasty as a cake. With Spermamax you will have more sperm than there is water in the ocean.

Well… I like cake. There’s no getting around that. But just the same, at this point, even though I still feel no particular desire to purchase even a single dose of Spermamax, I have to grudgingly admit that this product is starting to earn my respect. I freely admit that its steadfast refusal to conform to even the most basic laws of physics or sanity appeals to me.


  1. You really read your spam? Scary.

    Comment by Hedari — February 28, 2006 @ 1141157374

  2. Well, not all of it, obviously — at the rate it pours in, I wouldn’t have time time for anything else. No, I just read the ones that somehow manage to catch my attention.

    Which is admittedly just as sad.

    Comment by Mikki — February 28, 2006 @ 1141162360

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