the doctor of my dreams

Tue Aug-16th-2005 // Filed under: I Rant!

All right, so people say that you don’t care
But you’ve got nicer legs than Hitler
and bigger tits than Cher

Eric Idle, “Henry Kissinger Song”

Oh, that Kissinger! I must beat this dead horse some more — when it comes to Hank, I admit it: I just can’t get enough of him.

I mean, this is a guy who doesn’t travel anywhere without consulting his legal advisors first, simply because if he sets foot in the wrong country, they’ll arrest him on the spot and start asking him uncomfortable questions in court about pesky little things like “war crimes” and “genocide”. Hank’s in great demand outside America. And no wonder! That famous arrogance, the amazing audacity, the respectable body count — how could you not love him? This is the guy who thought backing Pinochet in his bloody coup of Chile was a great idea. “The issues are much too important for the Chilean voters to be left to decide for themselves,” Hank benevolently mused as he made sure that the democratically elected government of Chile was replaced with a regime known for its extensive human rights violations — y’know, a program of torture and murder undertaken by the state, that kind of stuff.

Hank didn’t have any scruples about helping out Pol Pot, either — “Why should we flagellate ourselves for what the Cambodians did to each other?”, he later asked, apparently forgetting that he was an active participant in the proceedings, what with that whole thing about bombing defenseless peasant villages for 160 consecutive days in 1973 and all. The same year he got that Nobel Peace Prize, come to think of it!

And yet they let him out all on his own and pay tribute to him and and pretend that he’s a good and honest man, or if not quite honest, at least so roguishly clever that no one could ever really stay mad at him. He’s never been in jail and will never go to one. He has never been called to the carpet for what he has done; he has never even been investigated by the powers that be — and why would he, when he was so busy serving said powers? No, Hank’s safe and sound. So what if he did all these things and more? He’s a living legend! A great man!

No, I can’t get enough of Hank. Can you?

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