no, wait, he inhaled

Mon Nov-6th-2006 // Filed under: Things Are Happening

And now a word from our Kick ‘Em While They’re Down department!

So, Ted Haggard now admits to being gay. (I’m paraphrasing; he didn’t quite put it that way, because in his world, based as it is on denial and deception, having an ongoing personal problem with being married to a woman but desperately wanting to have sex with men is not homosexuality, it’s just “sexual immorality”. Which is not at all the same thing as being a fag. Whatever you say, former pastor, you’re the honest one who knows the score.)

That’s some letter he wrote to his congregation, though. Even at this point, when he’s essentially admitting to having a ravenous and uncontrollable need for man-meat, he needs to pretend that he’s an honest guy.

The public person I was wasn’t a lie; it was just incomplete. When I stopped communicating about my problems, the darkness increased and finally dominated me. As a result, I did things that were contrary to everything I believe.

Oh, okay. It wasn’t a lie, it was just incomplete! Ted, you didn’t do things that were contrary to everything that you believe. You believe that you love the cock, my friend, which is why you made sure you got some from a male prostitute for three years. That wasn’t contrary to what you believe, that’s contrary to what you’re ashamed of, and that’s not the same thing at all, you sad and dangerous fucking hypocrite, you.

The awful part is that they’re going to keep on with the desperate pretense. Ted sez:

Our church’s overseers have required me to submit to the oversight of Dr. James Dobson, Pastor Jack Hayford, and Pastor Tommy Barnett. Those men will perform a thorough analysis of my mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical life. They will guide me through a program with the goal of healing and restoration for my life, my marriage, and my family.

So, wait — you guys are going to stay married and all and fix this? Oh, man, that’ll be so awesome that even I am starting to have some sympathy for Ted. Can you imagine the awkwardness around that breakfast table now that the cat’s officially out of the bag? “Yeah, I love being married to you, honey. This is a new beginning for us, we’ll get through this. The Lord has given us a chance to redeem ourselves. Can you pass the cock? Coffee. SHIT.”

The ridiculous thing is that Ted, formerly so powerful and pious, and now revealed as a sad little liar who not only lied to his congregation and the general public but lived a life of lie, is still trying to present this as some kind of a victorious “snatching victory from the jaws of defeat” moment, in which he casts himself as a tragic and heroic figure who will inspire thousands:

Because of the negative publicity I’ve created with my foolishness, we can now demonstrate to the world how our sick and wounded can be healed, and how even disappointed and betrayed church bodies can prosper and rejoice.

So, uh, yeah, it’s all thanks to you, Ted. I guess you’re not a hypocrite and a liar after all! It’s only a matter of time until they name a public holiday after you, and most importantly, you’re still extremely qualified to tell other people how to live their lives.

1 Comment

  1. Attributing lack of willpower to lack of faith works great for ex-addicts, who’ve become new born christians. Same seems to go for christian gays wanting to be “healed”. They can screw up, slip and “sin” time and again – and still expect everybody to love them after repenting and seeing the light again. It makes your earthly burden lighter when faith takes off responsibility of your actions.

    It’s easy to argue against regular homofobic bible-pushers. Mr. Haggard wants to be a victim of his own doings and beg for our sympathy, but he also wants to “heal”. In his case you see both a socially bankrupt man with confused sexual identity you can’t help but to pity and somebody ready to cast the first stone on fellow gays.

    He’s found his own personal Hell on Earth allright…

    There was one suprising thing near the end of his letter: point 3. I am mostly a cynic, but this time I’d like to sincerely believe he means what he writes; That he doesn’t want those who “accused” (exposed) him (media and people) to be hated by his loving and humble congregation. Hmm.

    Oh, by the way:

    Comment by Suviko — November 15, 2006 @ 1163569558

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