my senses, they hurt

Sun May-13th-2007 // Filed under: I Rant!

I have to confess that I watched the Eurovision song contest pretty much in its entirety. I did it because I’m a very stupid man with occasional self-destructive urges, and now I feel dirty and my brain hurts. There’s no excuse for this kind of behavior.

Let’s be clear here: I am filled with shame and disdain for myself, the participants and the entire institution. It’s not a fun show. It’s the product of a diseased minds; a parade of mediocrity; entertainment for the kind of people who honestly enjoy watching paint dry, provided that there’s a drum machine and a catchy chorus, such as “nanana nanana” — people who get honestly happy if their country wins. I am not one of those people, but as previously stated, I am very stupid, so it’s not like we don’t have powerful similarities.

Now, having witnessed the entire spectacle, I find myself inclined to share a few observations about some of the performances, purely so as to spread the pain:

Ireland, They Can’t Stop the Spring: Being an European doesn’t mean that we all like or respect each other, goddammit, and when you sing shit like this without a trace of irony, you just prove that point. You came last, but it’s not enough: this horrible abomination of a song makes the rest of the continent want to stab you in your collective heart with the great rusty coat hanger of friendship. We can’t stop the spring, but by God, we’ll gladly die trying if it means shutting you people the fuck up. (On a somewhat unrelated note, good job on the honkey hop, boys. Congratulations: you pretty much scored less on the Funk-o-Meter than the rest of the goddamn contest put together.)

Finland, Leave Me Alone: But — but wasn’t she supposed to win? Lordi won! Why didn’t she win? Why? Why? Why is this happening to us? Why? Why, goddammit, why? Our national backbone has been crushed once again by this bitter defeat. Well, not entirely crushed, because apparently we won a hockey game, which means that we have an awesome chance of losing the upcoming championship match. That oughta put things back in perspective, because Finnish self-esteem hinges on this shit. No goddamn joke, either.

FYR Macedonia, Mojot Svet (My World): To paraphrase the lyrics: just music, no religions, no borders, BALKAN ÜBER ALLES. No, that’s not a mixed message. Why? Naina naina, nanana naina, repeat until the bleeding starts.

Slovenia, Cvet z juga (Flower of the South): I was vaguely entertained by your insane yodeling, baby, until you went and unveiled the idiotic LED cluster thing in your hand and used it to create those oh-so-mysterious effects on your face. At that point, I realized that you were essentially a chiropractor trying to make like Bela Lugosi, except with a penchant for screaming.

Greece, Yassou Maria (Hello Maria): Well, this pretty much sums up Eurovision, I suppose. Oh, Christ.

Georgia, Visionary Dream: Awesome choreography, guys. Such a shame that you lost your Stonehenge monument. Also, your midgets were a little big. Maybe next time!

France, L’Amour À La Française (Love – the French Way): Well, at least you shouldn’t have any trouble with the national stereotype police when you get back home, guys. Which is a kind of a shame, come to think of it, because at least with your jaws wired shut you couldn’t bother anyone with this kind of horrible shit. Then again, you did commit the unthinkable sin of singing a few lines in English, so there may be hope of savage beatings for you yet. That’s your votes at work!

Latvia, Questa Notte: Surely the blandest performance of the entire contest, which is saying something. So fuck these guys; in my most beautiful dreams, your top hats (though I have to admit that they were a nice touch!) would be ground under the heels of the performers from Latveria, that jewel in the crown of Europe. DOOM RESPECTS THE RULE THAT PRECLUDES HIM FROM VOTING FOR LATVERIA. DOOM ENCOURAGES OTHER COUNTRIES TO DO SO INSTEAD. AWARDING 12 POINTS MAY PERSUADE DOOM TO DEMONSTRATE HIS FAMED KINDNESS. DOOM HAS SPOKEN.

Germany, Frauen regier’n die Welt (Women Rule the World): Jazz, as performed in strict accordance with the Deutsche Industrie Norm. Message ends.

Serbia, Molitva (Prayer): And to the butch Harry Potter go the spoils. Uh, yay, I guess.

Ukraine, Dancing Lasha Tumbai: I saw these guys on YouTube a bunch of times before tonight, but I thought they were like Zladko Vladcik. Apparently they were serious. Well, y’know, Eurovision serious. Which is to say, way too serious, no matter how kooky you are. (Motherfuckers almost won, too.)

United Kingdom, Flying the Flag (For You): Much, much worse than France’s entry. I think that speaks volumes.

Bulgaria, Water: Crom could kick Mitra’s ass. Just sayin’.

Also, I should point out the following objective facts:

Krisse: I don’t know how much of this woman was featured on the broadcasts outside Finland, but rest assured that if you wanted to punch her in the face with a tire iron just to shut her up, you were not alone. And yes, absolutely, it’s a great idea to feature what is essentially a minor Finnish celebrity, and a kind of an inside joke at that, in an international broadcast, thanks for asking. Because that way everyone can enjoy her. Because she’s so very, very enjoyable.

Santa Claus: TIRE. FUCKING. IRON.

I’m done. I still feel filthy and may never recover from this ridiculous punishment that I knowingly inflicted upon myself, but at least I’m spreading the pain. That’s not much, but it’s something.


12 Comments

  1. Well said. I mean, well written. And boy, do you write well indeed :D What a fantastic entry that beautifully sums up most of my feelings from yesterday as well. Especially the Krisse & Santa part. ;)

    Comment by Outi — May 13, 2007 @ 1179060812

  2. To be exact, and we’re nothing but, it’s Deutsche Industrie Norm. Capitalization of nouns: it’s adorable!

    Comment by Ripa — May 13, 2007 @ 1179072321

  3. Ah! You are, of course, correct. I have remedied the Situation.

    Comment by Mikki — May 13, 2007 @ 1179072524

  4. Krisse was, by far, the best part of the show.

    Comment by Jaakko — May 13, 2007 @ 1179075324

  5. Nonsense. That circus stuff while they were tallying the votes? That wasn’t at all bad.

    Comment by Mikki — May 13, 2007 @ 1179081447

  6. Jaakko is right. And furthermore, Mikki, you are wrong. How could you let us down like that? You should be ashamed of yourself!

    Comment by Kalle — May 13, 2007 @ 1179084795

  7. Ridiculous! I put it to you that Jaakko is the one who is wrong and I am the one who is right.

    No argument on the part about the shame, though.

    Comment by Mikki — May 13, 2007 @ 1179086657

  8. Mikki, when you fail, always take it like a man – especially during such an important time in the history of Finland. You might want to follow the example of one man touched by the spirit of Eurovision!

    http://www.yle.fi/eurovision/mediaplayer.php?id=3273

    Comment by Kalle — May 13, 2007 @ 1179099327

  9. HARSH.

    Comment by Mikki — May 14, 2007 @ 1179101581

  10. The poor, bitter man. I mostly feel sorry for the Croatians.

    As for the other discussion, I’m hesitant to pick sides, so I’ll have to say you’re all wrong. The show was decent enough, but Krisse sucked like an industrial-sized vacuum cleaner – not all the time, but for too long time.

    Comment by Merten — May 14, 2007 @ 1179128210

  11. Paras euroviisublogi:

    http://www.yle.fi/eurovision/main.php?id=3190

    Ps. Krisse rules, okay!

    Comment by Jaakko — May 14, 2007 @ 1179141133

  12. Fakta: tuo on ihan vitun hauska.

    Comment by Mikki — May 14, 2007 @ 1179143123

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