more dickery

Mon Mar-10th-2008 // Filed under: I Rant!

And while I’m at it, I guess I might as well point out some other people who’re complete dicks, besides the Supreme Court of Appeal in Rome.

Let’s start with Sally Kern, an Oklahoma State Representative, and — I know I’m stating the obvious here — a Republican. Not that all Republicans are dicks, mind you, but when you hear about an American politician who’s being a complete dick, chances are you’re going to have a certain expectation before you even hear the name, and you’re not likely to be wrong there. Just saying.

Anyway! What’s wrong with Kern, you say? Well! Take a look. Or a listen, really; the video is what it is, and I can appreciate the sentiment there, but never mind that, just listen to some bona fide religion-fueled hatred being spewed by yet another old white person. That Sally, she’s just a barrel of laughs! She’s a dick, and she was probably voted in by dicks — I mean, even if she wasn’t expecting this particular bit of speechcraft to make it into the internet, I kinda doubt her stance on these things was a well-guarded secret that just now made it out.

Of course, Italian judges and American politicians don’t have a monopoly on being fully deserving of Jim Kelly-style punches to the throat. Professional athletes are also completely capable of being dicks, as golfer Tripp Isenhour just had to go and prove the other day. See, he was kinda annoyed by a bird, so he decided to solve the problem by driving golf balls at the animal. After a while, to no one’s surprise, he actually hit the bird. In the head.

The bird in question was a red-shouldered hawk, a protected species classified with a conservation status of “least concern” — meaning that it’s not exactly endangered, but it’s not on the list because there are enough of them to go around to be killed by asshole golfers, either. Of course, that whole “protected animal” thing is just a cherry on top; even if it was an ordinary pigeon, that’s still full-on asshole behaviour. To drive the point home, Isenhour refers to the whole thing as “an accident”, because it was a “one-in-a-million” shot. Yeah, he was just trying to hit the bird, he never expected to hit the bird, so that’s why it was an accident. Like a lightning bolt out of a clear sky, it just happened! It was a regrettable case of bad luck that completely coincidentally happened to include him! That’s a heartfelt apology right there.

Seriously, what a dick.

Moving on to dicks that may be smaller but definitely make up for it with numbers, five kids buried their 10-year old playmate in sand, head first. Now, I’m just going to let the “but we didn’t know it would be bad for him!” thing pass without comment…

Oh, hell, no.

I mean, what the fuck? At that age I never had any illusions about people needing to breathe in order to survive. I know for a fact I had figured that shit out by the time I started school, and I’m sure I kind of grasped the fundamentals of the concept at an even earlier age. But even if we assume that these five little geniuses were just completely ignorant of the fact that you can’t actually breathe if your head is completely buried, what the hell were they doing? Were they being nice?

No. They were being dicks.

People, stop being dicks! STOP IT.


  1. Wasn’t there a story about a group of Finnish dicks who buried someone during a midsummer kegger. And these were grown men, who certainly should know one needs to breathe to live, and breathing can be hard with a foot of dirt over one’s face.

    I think there’s actually two kinds of dickery. The first kind is more stupidity, like in these burial cases. Normal excuse: it seemed like a good idea at the time. The second kind is simple malice, like in the case of the Congresswoman you described above. In these cases stupidity may have contributed to the dickery, but there is a certain degree of voluntary action to being a dick.

    Comment by Scully — March 10, 2008 @ 1205166050

  2. Well, if the guy being buried is a volunteer, as opposed to someone who’s being forced to do it, I guess I’d be willing to go with stupidity as a specific brand of dickery in that instance. If not, it’s just plain old dickery. I mean, I realize that these kids maintain that the kid who got buried also came up with the idea, but I’m gonna take that with a grain of salt — 10-year old kids who do something nasty to another kid and then blame it on the kid, well… it’s hardly the most original defense I ever heard, y’know?

    Of course, maybe little Cody honestly is just a real dumbass. It’s certainly a valid possibility. Even so, his friends are dicks for helping him act like one.

    Comment by Mikki — March 10, 2008 @ 1205167838

  3. Not that all Republicans are dicks, mind you, but when you hear about an American politician who’s being a complete dick, chances are you’re going to have a certain expectation before you even hear the name, and you’re not likely to be wrong there. Just saying.

    So I thought, but this convinced me otherwise:

    At least in 2006 both parties had several total & utter dicks in their ranks.

    Comment by Suviko — March 12, 2008 @ 1205362949

  4. That really restores my faith in democracy :-)

    Of course, our politicians aren’t always the sharpest knives in the drawer either. Take our illustrious minister of foreign affairs, for example. There’s a real dick if I ever saw one.

    Comment by Scully — March 13, 2008 @ 1205404596

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