in excess of 100k

Mon Jun-25th-2007 // Filed under: Spam Patrol

My spam counter officially reached 100 000 spam messages today — as ever, Akismet zaps nearly all of it, with a few very rare exceptions making it through the filter, but those filthy animals still keep trying.

Doing a little looking around, I actually managed to figure out when I installed Akismet. That was on March 21, 2006 — a little over 15 months ago, in other words. That means that since then, I’ve received about 220 pieces of spam per day. That’s a whopper. Considering that in the beginning, I got considerably less than that (though certainly enough to make manual comment clean-up a huge time sink), it’s easy to see that the average amount of spam I get on a daily basis is constantly increasing — for example, I got hit a little under 500 times in the about 24 hours between my last two spam checks. (And in the time it’s taken me to write these two paragraphs, four more spam comments have already crept in.)

A spammer is a filthy beast not fit for human company. He eats away our lives in tiny little bites — sure, I can avoid the spammer’s pointed little teeth and the horrible diseases they carry with relative ease, but it still requires some effort on my part. I’m constantly defending myself from this scum, devoting some of my limited lifespan to making life more difficult for them just so that I can avoid losing even more of my precious hours to these utter shits.

Spammers exist somewhere on the fringes of humanity and subsist on two things — what little money they can leech from people who have no qualms about hiring such utter scum to sell their products and more importantly, people who are stupid enough to believe that they can obtain prestigious college degrees and harder penises and more voluminous ejaculations and “authentic replicas” of brand name watches and free porn and lost Nigerian fortunes and free lunches and quality medication without prescriptions and pictures of Paris Hilton having hot lesbian sex in her jail cell. Among other things.

Most spam messages are wholly nonsensical (“letter format for giving two weeks notice vandorm southwest airline music pete law lily pond by claude monet medline riverfront hotel new orleans not your average joes lawerence curry mozambique animals”, as the most recent one proudly proclaims), designed only to slip through the defenses. This is not advertising in the conventional sense; the spammer is not trying to get anyone interested so much as he’s hoping that the message gets through, if only for a few hours before someone removes it, and that in that time someone clicks on one of the links in it and, perhaps, buys the product or subscribes to the service or calls the number. Nobody who reads this entry is likely to fall for a spammer’s scam, or know anyone who might, but there are enough of those people out there to make spamming profitable.

Nobody on this planet likes spam, or spammers. They are the scum of our society; you’re more likely to find sympathy for a Nazi guard at a concentration camp than a guy who spams mailboxes, which says a great deal not only about our fucked-up priorities but also about how much people dislike spam. When the Russian spam king Vardan Kushnir got whacked a couple of years back for reasons unrelated to his world-class spamming career, not a tear was shed in his behalf by the powers that be. I admit to being hugely disappointed to find that it was apparently just a robbery gone bad. Being killed for money in your own home is a tragedy; being bludgeoned to death for willfully being a lower form of life than bacteria would’ve been justice.

Not that I seriously advocate killing spammers, obviously. But crippling them for life… No. I admit that in my heart of hearts I couldn’t approve of that, either, and yet — yet I must also admit that I can’t help but feel a pure, wild rush of righteous joy at the mere thought of a spammer waking up with a start when a heavy boot splinters in his bedroom door and the vicious, vicious men descend upon him with the merciless truncheons of comeuppance.

41 spam comments were caught by Akismet in the twenty minutes or so it took me to write this entry. Seems that the shitbirds like to hit me in waves.

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