have some ignorance and fear

Wed Aug-3rd-2005 // Filed under: Word Balloons

So, earlier today I ran into The Truth For Youth, which is “the entire New Testament along with powerful, full color comics that are packed with the absolute truth regarding moral issues young people are faced with everyday (sic).” It’s not a new thing, apparently, since the copyright’s from 2002 — just hadn’t seen it before. It’s endorsed by Jerry Falwell, so you know it’s just gotta be full of love!

Anyway, they have the comics online, so we can learn the absolute truth even without getting the book. Wonderful! And what is the absolute truth? Well, first of all, the absolute truth is illustrated in an annoyiningly mangaish manner in the hopes that this will make it appealing to the kids. It’s also very much hip and cool and in touch with the times and talking to young people in their own language — I daresay that no white-headed conservative patriarch of a Christian order would disagree with that statement. Look at all those speed lines, for chrissakes! Wham and pow! And what about the clothes on these crazy kids? Eh? Eh?

So! Here are a couple of absolute truths for you, kids: if you believe in evolution, you’re essentially a racist, and evolution is impossible because a bicycle can’t become a motorcycle without someone taking an active and intelligent hand in its design. Also, God hates homosexuality (but not so much the homosexuals themselves, which is apparently a significant difference), and thirty years ago, nobody ever said that gay people were born that way. It’s also the absolute truth that if you look at porn, you get hooked on porn, and you end up a dirty old man who gets in trouble with date rapes that involve 16-year old girls.

And speaking of sex, women “just know” when they’re pregnant and, when discussing abortion, the only absolute truth and the main issue to consider is heartbreaking trivia about when particular body functions of the developing baby start to kick in. Incidentally, did you know that when executed by the government, most adults are so fully developed as to be indistinguishable from other adults? So are Iraqi soldiers, come to think of it. I’m not sure if these things are absolute truths, though, since they don’t mention that here at all, so maybe you should just ignore them.

And secular rock music? They’ve got the absolute truth about that, too — hearing it leads to excessive sweating, alarmingly large eyeballs, very small pupils and the sudden thoughts that anything the singer might sing applies exclusively to only you, which is dangerous. (Also, lyrics like “sick dreams are made of fleas, moldy breath and schoolyard cheese” are apparently a prime example of the incredibly dangerous message these Satanic rock stars, like “Madonna Dahmer” of the comic, are trying to send to the kids. I don’t know about you, but I’m so scared and disturbed by this that I accidentally just let a little pee come out.)

As for school violence, the absolute truth is that it has been caused by lack of Bibles in schools, and that when the U.S. Constitution was written, the Bible was a textbook in schools, and that was “kewl”. (They don’t mention the fact that the U.S. Constitution did not include the words “education” or “school”, or that there was no organized national initiative for education at the time and the first public high school wouldn’t even open its doors until half a century later, but I’m sure that it’s just because they didn’t have the space.) Also, the real enemy in schools is Satan, but now the youth of America are fighting back, because they are legally smuggling Bibles into public schools to stop the violence! That is presumably also kewl, but I don’t want to put words in their mouths.

And condoms! The absolute truth is that condoms have a 15% failure rate. I’m ashamed to admit that I have been leading a life of lies, as I have never in my life managed to break a condom or made anyone pregnant or caught a sexually transmitted disease, but I shall endeavor to do my best to make sure I meet these completely true statistics from now on. Obviously, they’re also completely worthless against sexually transmitted diseases and using them is against God’s plan. (Also, most footballers, except the intrusively Christian ones, are stupid fuck machines, and cheerleaders are stupid whores, but Jesus still loves them.)

As for drugs, drunkenness and peer pressure, there’s twelve whole pages of absolute truth about that. In a nutshell, if you smoke a marijuana joint when one is offered to you, people will try and get everyone’s attention and tell them that you are cool. Also… uh, well, it’s twelve whole pages and it’s just a confusing, boring and badly paced story where someone uses drugs and gets in trouble but because he goes to church in the end and God performs spiritual heart surgery on him, his legal troubles go away and then he drops the charges against someone else, which is the kind of hard-hitting legal drama you can expect from people with dogshit for brains. Then, in a somewhat mystifying turn of the events, he turns into Dad, the Amazing Breadwinner Head of the Family straight from the fifties, stands on a stage and preaches to a roomful of young people. Then again, considering that earlier, the narrator has an out-of-body experience and gets dragged to hell by ugly and burly naked guys, I guess it’s about par for the course.

So, there you have, the absolute truth. By definition, there is nothing more that anyone could say on the subject without lying. This stuff reads like those lovable Jack Chick tracts, only with a little less foaming at the mouth and somewhat higher production values. That, of course, makes this stuff that much more dangerous — I mean, c’mon, what kind of a fucking moron do you have to be to be converted by a Chick tract? How the hell does that work? “OH NOES BLACK LEAF KILLED HERSELF BECAUSE OF D&D I WILL NO LONGUR PLAY IT EVEN THOUGH I CAN USE TEH MIND BONDAGE SPELL TO MAYK MY DAD BY ME MORE D&D MANUELS!!!1!eleven!” (Of course, I do love that classic book burning scene at the end of Dark Dungeons — that complete lack of irony there just kills me every time…) This stuff, on the other hand, looks like professionally made comics.

It depresses me beyond belief that there are many, many people out there who consider superstitious, hateful and dishonest bullshit like this to be a good educational tool.


  1. Taaki pössis, sano! Ei voi kuin ihailla. Vaikka kyllä mä diggaan edelleen enemmän Jack Chickin traktaatteja. Niissä on O.G.-meno…

    Comment by revolveri — August 3, 2005 @ 1123103032

  2. That page was so depressing. The saddest one is the Truth about safe sex.

    And these stories might be more popular and acceptable in USA than “stories” about evolution. Is this sad or scary?

    Comment by Julius — August 3, 2005 @ 1123103292

  3. And that ID shit is just our old friend creationism trying to sound intelligeht.

    Comment by Julius — August 3, 2005 @ 1123103554

  4. intelligent, intelligent!

    Comment by Julius — August 3, 2005 @ 1123103569

  5. Yowza! I went and forgot all about the safe sex bit — thanks for reminding me; I edited the entry accordingly.

    And yes, ID is the same dumb shit repackaged in a form that appears to be slightly more scientific to those who are dumb enough to be taken in by creationism in the first place.


    Comment by Mikki — August 3, 2005 @ 1123103977

  6. I actually have to say, that I find the Chick tracts much more entertaining. These things, despite their superior production values, are just far too long, boring and badly written. At least Chick has adventure and excitement — and the tendency to kill a character every now and then to really keep the reader on his toes :-)

    Comment by Hakkis — August 3, 2005 @ 1123105573

  7. I’m fairly certain I have read that exact same “Safe Sex” comic previously as a black & white version drawn in a more traditional western style.

    Can’t find it anywhere right now. Could be that these are just “updated” versions. Could be that I have been dreaming again.

    Comment by Henri — August 4, 2005 @ 1123119655

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