dr. brown fingers

Wed Jan-11th-2006 // Filed under: Celluloid,Games

As we all know, Uwe Boll is physically unable to make even a halfway decent movie, let alone a good one; yet he keeps on pumping out one game-based turd of a movie after another. His latest movie, BloodRayne, is a mind-numbingly shitty adaptation of a thoroughly mediocre action game about a vampire chick and her two friends, Large Breast A and Large Breast B. (It’s a game for mature players, you see.)

No, I haven’t seen the movie, which, under ordinary circumstances, would make me unable to actually comment on its quality with any degree of accuracy — in fact, to do so at all would be somewhat unethical. But not in this instance! It’s Uwe Boll, people. We must never underestimate the magical powers of Dr. Boll, his seemingly unparalleled ability to turn anything he touches into shit — what I like to call his Feces Touch. The Feces Touch never fails. The Feces Touch guarantees that BloodRayne, like every other game-based movie Boll has made or ever will make, sucks with such fearsome force and unwavering conviction that every little shred of quality that might somehow end up being mixed in it is buried under a veritable landslide of unadulterated stupidity, never to be seen again.

Perhaps some day, after we’re all dead and gone, representatives of an alien culture will establish a dig on Earth and uncover an Uwe Boll movie, and — thanks to their vastly different perceptions, brought on by their incomprehensible physique and completely alien cultural indoctrination — be only able to hate the movie a little bit and enjoy said shred of quality. Perhaps, but I kind of doubt it.

Anyway, the point of this tirade is not only that Uwe Boll hurts my brain by alarmingly increasing the mass of collective stupidity on our fair planet whenever he even breathes, never mind makes a movie, but that a colleague of mine just recently sent a part of the .NFO file from a pirate rip of BloodRayne. This is what it says:

So with that enjoy this movie from hollywoods numero uno hack director uwe boll. We’re proud to pirate this peice of shit to save you people from being ripped out of ur hard earned money. Note to hollywood cuz we know u track these. Seriously stop financing crap like this. The money you save will enable bob the carpenter and the teamsters to stay in work for at least another year. Piracy doesnt hurt you SHIT fucking waste of money movies like this do.

Christ, I dunno. Yeah, sure, your average net pirate is a semi-illiterate idiot, but these guys have heart. Makes me all weepy.

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