deacon williams drops the ball

Thu Jul-6th-2006 // Filed under: Spam Patrol

Those pesky Nigerians are at it again — or, at least, someone’s borrowing a page from the timeless classic they wrote. See, apparently some filthy rich millionaire guy died, and I can have all of his money. All I need to do is cooperate with some guy on the internet. Awesome!

But this time, there’s a twist, because not only can I have all that tasty moolah, this time God himself wants me to get rich! No shit, God wanna make me crazy wealthy, yo. How can you beat that? My man Deacon Evans Williams, he of the broken English and fervent desire to give me money so I can worship God with it preaches the good word. Check it:

The time has come for Christians to worship God in spirit and in truth according to the book of John chapter 4:vs23-24.“But the hour cometh and now is when the true worshipers shall worship the Father in spirit and in truth: for the Father seeketh such to worship him . God is a spirit, and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth“. Based on this scripture, it became obvious that I should do the right thing if I must enter into the kingdom of God.

I am , Deacon Evans Williams the legal adviser to late Mr. Mike & Carol Hall, a God fearing and dedicated couple. They were very wealthy but had no child. They travelled to Patong-Thailand for Christmas holiday but met death on the 26th of December 2004 during the Tsunami disaster(http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/bristol/4153821.stm As their legal adviser, before their death, the husband Mr. Mike Hall instructed me to write his WILL, because they had no child, he dedicated their wealth to God. They had a lot of landed properties ,houses, Stocks/bonds, etc. According to their instruction.
According to the WILL, their assets should be given out to a ministry for the work of God. As their legal adviser, all the documents for the fund that are deposited with the Vault company are in my care.

Okay, blah blah blah. But here comes the good bit:

As a born again Christian , I have been reading my bible and I have to do what is lawful and right in the sight of God by giving out the fund to the chosen ministry for the purpose of God’s work as instructed by the owners before there death. After my fasting and prayers Today, I asked God to make his choice and direct me to an honest Christian or the chosen ministry that deserves this fund by his Grace. I then came across your address on the Internet.I appeal to you to use the fund wisely for things that will glorify the name of God.

Yowza! How’s that for divine guidance? “I read some Bible, did may daily fasting and praying, and then I found your e-mail address on the internet! PRAISE THE LORD!” (This guy’s so dedicated that he apparently fasts every day! Well, I don’t mean to boast, but I fasted for about six hours today myself, all the time between lunch and dinner. I didn’t even have a snack or nothing, so I can really relate to his show of devotion.) Deacon Williams is kicking ass and taking names here. He’s pulling out all stops, showing us all how a real man of God takes care of business.

And then he just completely fucks it up. Can you believe it? One minute guy’s the Hercules of Holiness, next minute he just completely loses his cool, goes all the way from a revered prophet of truly Heavenly proportions to a weak-sister candyass Doubting Thomas in a couple of sentences. Oh, Deacon Williams, you were doing so well, and then you just had to go and fail so miserably:

Also, could you get back to me having visiting the above website to enable us discuss in a more clarifying manner to the best of your understanding. I must say that I’m very uncomfortable sending this message to you without knowing truly if you would misconstrue the importance and decides to go public. In this regards, I will not hold back to say that the essence of this message is strictly for Charity.

To the best of my understanding, no less! It is indeed impressive. But Deacon Williams — oh, Evans, why did you abandon your faith? Why did you not have the good sense to hold back? You have already demonstrated beyond any reasonable doubt that God Himself intended you to find me, and yet you doubt that I would have the good sense to keep schtum about the whole thing? As a punishment for your failure to trust God’s good judgement in choosing me as the One Who Shall Be Made Filthy Rich By the Blessing of the Tsunami, I have indeed misconstrued the importance and decidesed to go public, as you can see.

You have failed God, Deacon Williams. He names you Beast and casts you out, for in your weakness you have not only failed to keep your faith, but you also committed the far greater sin of failing to properly exploit the beloved tsunami that He specifically sent forth for the sole reason of making me filthy rich.

Yeah, good job there, Deacon Williams. Way to fuck up my financial independence. It’ll take a lot of Philistine foreskins to make up for this one.

Dick.

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