so chubby and so neat

Tue Aug-16th-2005 // Filed under: Things Are Happening

Henry Kissinger
How I’m missing yer
you’re the doctor of my dreams
With your crinkly hair and your glassy stare
and your Machiavellian schemes

Eric Idle, “Henry Kissinger Song”

Oh, no! Henry Kissinger warns us that “If a radical government emerges in Baghdad or if any part of Iraq becomes what Afghanistan used to be, a training ground for terrorists, then this will be a catastrophe for the Islamic world and for Europe, much as they may — reluctant as they may be to admit it — and eventually for us.”

Uh, yeah, Hank, but maybe you forgot the little, admittedly entirely insignificant fact that a huge reason why Afghanistan was such a hot spot for training terrorists was that the CIA happily sponsored these training programs? Hell, they started doing that even before the Soviet Union invaded Afghanistan.

Kissinger is also concerned that this whole Iraq thing might end up like Vietnam, with the American people becoming unwilling to support the war. Well, wouldn’t that be a fucking shame, Hank. I mean, when you were busy having Cambodia illegally and secretly bombed during the Vietnam War — you may not remember that, since you’re a pretty busy guy, but it was that thing with about, oh, 200 000 or so casualties — I’m sure it really broke your heart that the American people didn’t think the war was such a good idea. Maybe the Nobel Peace Prize you got warmed you up a little, though — you remember, the one you got for bringing peace to Vietnam? Of course, the other guy you were supposed to share the prize with, Le Duc Tho, refused to accept the prize because there wasn’t an actual peace yet in Vietnam at the time, but you didn’t let a little thing like that stand in your way.

You’re quite a guy, Hank. A great statesman. Keep it up.

In other news, three sailors died, apparently drowning after becoming entangled in underwater vegetation during an anti-terror drill held in Panama. First they shoot us in the head and promise to do it in the future, too, if we don’t stop looking so shifty and wearing those freedom-hating backpacks, now they’re drowning us… This war on terror sure is taking its toll. I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling safer already.

And finally, Victoria Beckham apparently says, “I haven’t read a book in my life. I haven’t got enough time. I prefer to listen to music, although I do love fashion magazines.”

I… I have no comment. What could I possibly add to that that wouldn’t detract from the impact of that statement? It’s just so appropriate, so goddamn perfect in its terrible beauty.

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